February 2009
69 posts
4 tags
'TEVS DUDES
I got the in on the latest, most exclusive Mozersky-gem club opening on west 2nd street tonight. i’ll send you fotos you bitches. my invitation was sent via fax via carrier pigeon.
2 tags
2 tags
It's Friday AGAIN, you fucking Cheapskates!
Join me on my fast bitchin’ party boat! And bring some chicks who’ve seen Tombstone! And don’t forget the warm, old Lonestars that you stole from the Bird’s East opening last week!
5 tags
4 tags
the most expensive fixie in the world
The Aurumania gold bike crystal edition is about $102,418 and is hand built, plated with 24 carat gold and hand-adorned with more than 600 Swarovski crystals. The handlebar grips are hand-sewn, chocolate-brown leather and of course a beautiful molded Brooks leather saddle !The Bike is fully customized, Limited edition of 50 and for this price, its Hand delivered anywhere in World!
Thanks...
3 tags
The World’s Heaviest Motorcycle weighs 5 metric tons. To my untrained/unwilling to do research eye, it’s a mash-up of WWII reenactment, steampunk, and web 2.0 (check the totally sweet url emblazoned on the side).
3 tags
“Have fun drinking all those Sprites on tour, child.”
– Me
1 tag
1 tag
3 tags
4 tags
ShitMyExcavationPants.com
Badger 288: Mobile strip mining machine.
There’s no fucking way I’m letting this die on the ‘comments’ thread. Thanks jortjortington. Sometimes we are impressed by things.
4 tags
Meet the new SMJ RV-
— It is 40 m by 35 m, 6-8m tall (adjustable), weighs 2700 tons.
— Has 16 traction motors, powered by four 1 MW generators
— Has two 750 kW generators used for jacking, steering, lighting, and ventilating
— Generators are powered by 4 diesel engines
— Consumes 150 US gallons of diesel fuel per mile. Tank holds 5000...
3 tags
3 tags
1 tag
The past:
The future:
2 tags
TO ALL MY MUTHABITCHES: IT'S FRIDAY AGAIN!
So you all know exactly what you’re doing tonight. It involves beards, shots, and one seriously homoerotic bar owner who collects stuffed dead animals and keeps his lucky bird bones under his tito’s cap. If you have a gnarly moustache and like to get stuck in conversations while the sun is still up, get there early. If you’re feeling imasculated because you either can’t...
2 tags
Superman's Pal Jimmy Olsen, Better Beards Through...
3 tags
The Beard-Second
This one is true:
“The beard-second is a unit of length inspired by the light year, but used for extremely short distances such as those in nuclear physics. The beard-second is defined as the length an average beard grows in a second, or about 5 nanometers. One beard-second equals 50 Ångströms (10-10 m).”
From now on, I am doing all of my calculations in beard-seconds. Think...
3 tags
The Sad But True Story of the Beard Hunter
Ernest Franklin grew up resentful of beards because he could never grow one of his own due to a male hormone deficiency. He dubbed himself the Beard Hunter and started a lonely war against facial hair; killing bearded men and keeping their beards as trophies.
At the age of thirty-six, Ernest still lived with his mother and spent all his free time working out and reading body-building magazines....
3 tags
dot cock
“Domains considered profane, e.g. ‘blow.co.ck’, ‘mybig.co.ck’, etc, will not be considered on any level, and the application will be dissolved with the applicant being notified, and future requests for the same domain name will be ignored. ‘.ck’ domains are monitored on the web, on a regular basis for profanity on the Internet if it is found to be doing...
3 tags
2 tags
7 tags
Construction has begun in my basement on SMJ’s next phallic piece of heavy machinery. This tokamak powered submarine will be ready for the long prophesied Giant Squid Battle of 2010.
5 tags
The Porsche Coffee Train P312. The most beautiful tractor ever created.
2 tags
4 tags
Little known fact, MGMT is not only a frustratingly popular indie-rock band, they also have a design company named after them in Brooklyn. Not surprisingly, they seem to specialize in information design. Here’s a very well designed Edward Tufte inspired infographic I saw in the New York Times. Bummer alert: it shows how many dudes have died in the last year in Iraq and Afghanistan.
...
4 tags
2 tags
“It’s a buzzing blend of frustration and acceptance. It’s a warning...”
– press release from local band The Boxing Lesson
4 tags
HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING PRESIDENTS' DAY
Cry, horse, cry! I’m your president, bitch!
1 tag
Secret Sex Lives of Squid!
Squid continue to maintain their bizarre stranglehold on pop culture. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, Slate provides some romantic, semi-journalistic prose that actually includes the words “exhibitionist squid gang-bang orgy,” words that could only have been chosen to increase their hit-count among lazy Hentai-porn browsers. Highlights (terrible grammar intact) excerpted...
3 tags
YOU DUDES WANT TO TALK AND EAT SOME HALF-PRICE...
Requests to spend Valentine’s Day with me ARE NOT rolling in. I think it’s because of the recession. My mom says it’s because I require my dates to dress up like this:
Whatever, mom. Don’t be such an idiot.
2 tags
7 tags
POUND THAT SPARKS YOU'RE SAVING...
…and come hit the downtown waves of crowded loneliness and deeply personal artistic torture with us tonight! We’ll be celebrating because in ONE SHORT WEEK we’ll be doing a different version of the same thing, but will be disguising it as a beard & moustache competition! If you need a better excuse to hit the town than that, we don’t want to hang out with you anyway.
...
3 tags
I am preparing daily for next week’s Beard competition.
2 tags
“Really? We’re the Trail of Dudes? Does that mean we need to add more...”
– Conrad Keely
3 tags
5 tags
Works of Art The Rainbow Raider Would Totally...
Roy Bivolo was a gifted painter as a child… but for one critical problem: he was completely color-blind. He developed a pair of goggles that granted the wearer color-based powers—they could launch colored beams of force on which the wearer could ride through the air, produce emotions in people according to the mood associated with each color, and more. Bitter at the world for denying him...
4 tags
At SMJ HQ, we understand a very simple premise: world domination requires a fucking scary robot. To that end, we have developed the C-0 Katipo 6. A scaled prototype is shown below. We had wanted to unleash a hoard during the Inauguration, but we had issues with the nitonal alloy. Fear not, the problem has been solved and the mechanized death machine will soon enslave you all.
2 tags
USS Narwhal (SSN-671)
Despite heavy deployment in her 30+ years of operation, little information is available about Narwhal’s eventful career. Her action was interrupted only by three overhauls (two involving reactor refueling) and she earned five Battle Efficiency “Es,” four Engineering “Es,” and awards of the Anti-Submarine Warfare “A,” the Communications “C”...
1 tag
From the C-list of the Flash’s Rogues Gallery:
Roscoe Dillon was a small-time crook who turned his childhood obsession with tops into a criminal persona. Roscoe taught himself how to spin around fast enough to deflect bullets and produce other semi-useful effects. As The Top, he uses his unique gimmick to commit burglaries and other crimes. His moderate success in crime soon makes him a...
4 tags
4 tags
Launch of Saturn V, the archetype for all phallic rocket designs, for the Apollo 11 mission. From every angle. Keep in mind that this rocket is over 110m tall and 10m in diameter. That’s approximately the same height as a 35 story building, bitches. The rocket weights ~3k tons or 6.7 million pounds and it could carry a payload of an additional 50 tons to the moon.
Design of the rocket...
2 tags
BAE’s LROD cage armor. Bringing only 30 new jobs to central Texas. Look to be freaked out in 2009 by Austin C.O.P. cars covered in this shit.
2 tags
Bone Awl
He Who Gnashes Teeth- Guitars
He Who...
2 tags
