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jortmaster

“It’s hard to walk normally with four pounds of cephalopod stuffed down your pants”

Throwing the octopus is easy. More difficult is concealing the eight-legged creature until the toss is at hand, a skill that requires determination, luck and the ability to walk normally with 4 pounds of slimy cephalopod stuffed down your pants.

When Detroit drops in on Nationwide Arena Tuesday night in an attempt to further frustrate the Blue Jackets some among the Red Wings fans in attendance undoubtedly will have attempted to enter while packing octopus.

Some might even succeed, continuing a Detroit tradition dating to 1952 of throwing octopi on the ice during Red Wings games.

“I just sell it. What they do with it is up to them,” said Frank Gonzalez, owner of Frank’s Fish & Seafood Market in Columbus.

What they do with it is the second hurdle. The common method is to sneak the octopus through the turnstiles by slipping it into your trousers, a technique that Gonzalez does not understand.

“I wouldn’t want something moving around down there when you’re moving around,” he said, smiling.

“They’ve been creative,” said Eric Granger, general manager of Nationwide Arena. “We’ve caught them Saran-wrapped to the body.”

Most contraband carriers get caught before they reach their seats, having failed to elude the authorities, who conduct bag searches for every game and event.

But fans are not required to drop their drawers, so the danger always exists.

“We have not had one octopus thrown this season,” officials said, adding that arena personnel know what to look for after witnessing octopi hit the ice during previous seasons.

Those caught carrying an octopus must surrender it before being allowed to enter. Anyone who passes detection and manages to heave an octopus gets the immediate heave-ho.

During the 1995 playoffs, two Detroit seafood sellers tossed a 38-pound octopus onto the ice during the national anthem before Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. A year later, they tossed a 50-pounder during the conference finals. The blob ended up displayed on the hood of the Zamboni between periods.



April 22, 2009, 5:10pm

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jortmaster

The Sad But True Story of the Beard Hunter

Ernest Franklin grew up resentful of beards because he could never grow one of his own due to a male hormone deficiency. He dubbed himself the Beard Hunter and started a lonely war against facial hair; killing bearded men and keeping their beards as trophies.

At the age of thirty-six, Ernest still lived with his mother and spent all his free time working out and reading body-building magazines. He dreamed of a movie or comic book being made one day about his exploits as the Beard Hunter.

Beard Hunter hit the big-time when he was contacted by ‘The Bearded Gentlemen’s Club of Metropolis’ to murder the Chief; leader of Doom Patrol. The Bearded Gentlemen made an offer to buy the Chief’s legendary beard, but he responded by calling them lunatics. They decided Chief was no longer fit to have a beard, and made the desperate ploy of hiring the Beard Hunter. The Hunter caught up with Chief at a supermarket, and proceeded to shoot everything in sight. Chief may be old and paralyzed, but he was still easily able to evade the Hunter and lure him into a trap. The end result of this skirmish was the death of the Beard Hunter, who, as he lay dying, regretted that he would never get around to dating.



February 20, 2009, 9:14am

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