On the Christmas list.

Via @geoffnotjeff.

April 15, 2011, 2:41pm

Viras’s features include a spike-shaped head capable of piercing through a meter of steel, a brain with an IQ of 2500, organs for producing a force field and controlling the minds of others, tentacles that are 10,000 times stronger than an elephant’s trunk and which can emit powerful beams for space travel, and organs to break down cell tissue and control metamorphosis (for creating its human disguise).

Via Pink Tentacle

January 25, 2011, 12:52pm

Via A Journey Round My Skull.

October 01, 2009, 10:46am

Please, think of the squid!

July 14, 2009, 1:00pm

Another day, another fight to the death with a giant octopus.

Men Magazine, January 1956

Illustrated by Frank Soltesz

May 04, 2009, 9:39am

Throwing the octopus is easy. More difficult is concealing the eight-legged creature until the toss is at hand, a skill that requires determination, luck and the ability to walk normally with 4 pounds of slimy cephalopod stuffed down your pants.

When Detroit drops in on Nationwide Arena Tuesday night in an attempt to further frustrate the Blue Jackets some among the Red Wings fans in attendance undoubtedly will have attempted to enter while packing octopus.

Some might even succeed, continuing a Detroit tradition dating to 1952 of throwing octopi on the ice during Red Wings games.

“I just sell it. What they do with it is up to them,” said Frank Gonzalez, owner of Frank’s Fish & Seafood Market in Columbus.

What they do with it is the second hurdle. The common method is to sneak the octopus through the turnstiles by slipping it into your trousers, a technique that Gonzalez does not understand.

“I wouldn’t want something moving around down there when you’re moving around,” he said, smiling.

“They’ve been creative,” said Eric Granger, general manager of Nationwide Arena. “We’ve caught them Saran-wrapped to the body.”

Most contraband carriers get caught before they reach their seats, having failed to elude the authorities, who conduct bag searches for every game and event.

But fans are not required to drop their drawers, so the danger always exists.

“We have not had one octopus thrown this season,” officials said, adding that arena personnel know what to look for after witnessing octopi hit the ice during previous seasons.

Those caught carrying an octopus must surrender it before being allowed to enter. Anyone who passes detection and manages to heave an octopus gets the immediate heave-ho.

During the 1995 playoffs, two Detroit seafood sellers tossed a 38-pound octopus onto the ice during the national anthem before Game 1 of the Western Conference Finals. A year later, they tossed a 50-pounder during the conference finals. The blob ended up displayed on the hood of the Zamboni between periods.

April 22, 2009, 5:10pm

Construction has begun in my basement on SMJ’s next phallic piece of heavy machinery. This tokamak powered submarine will be ready for the long prophesied Giant Squid Battle of 2010.

February 19, 2009, 9:29am

Squid continue to maintain their bizarre stranglehold on pop culture. In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, Slate provides some romantic, semi-journalistic prose that actually includes the words “exhibitionist squid gang-bang orgy,” words that could only have been chosen to increase their hit-count among lazy Hentai-porn browsers. Highlights (terrible grammar intact) excerpted below:

“Squids are rather predictable exhibitionists. They have big group orgies in the same spot on the coast at the same time every year. The threat of getting caught might be part of the thrill, but successful spawners don’t take needless risks. There’s not much the squids can do about the dolphins, sharks, and fish lining up to eat them in flagrante, but swimming up toward the bright, shiny lights at the surface doesn’t end well. Most of the squid in the United States is caught while making the beast with two beaks.”

But this squid porn is still pretty righteous.

February 16, 2009, 8:48am

January 26, 2009, 3:31pm